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Hilarious: 10 Important Things To Note When Using The ATM

by Obinna Omotayo Jones

Here is a list for how to use the ATM:

1. On arrival, try to find out who the last person on the queue is. Try and be creative in your questioning, find other ways to ask besides: are you the last person? Something like: is there anyone behind you? Would do.

2. Avoid the temptation to start up conversations with total strangers because majority of the people on that queue want to be anywhere but on that line at that moment and they don't want your foolishness in their faces.

3. Never. I repeat, never ever, choose an option for printing of receipts. Always choose no. No. If you choose yes,thunder can fire you under sun.

4. If you don't know how to use the ATM ask for help. It is not exam question, don't stand there like a confused Man O' War trying to solve physics equations. Don't go there and start guessing. Ask for help. Goddamn it! Just ask for help already.

5. If you are directly behind the person using the machine, avoid allowing your village people to use you by not staring at what the person is doing. Your turn is about to reach don't go and be stretching your neck, we know all you did in school was copy, but just look away. Ut is not hard. Think of something sexy like fried plantains and look away.

6. Go about your business as quickly as possible. Slot in your card. Withdraw your money. Get out. Get the hell out. No, don't use it to check your balance. No, don't count your money in front of the machine it makes us see you as a dumb mf.

7. Let the heavily pregnant woman and elderly ones go first. Yeah, you won't die in the next ten minutes.

8. The ones the gods wants to kill, they first make them jump queue. Don't just waste your life for nothing. Stay in your position. Don't go and beg that brother to help you withdraw. He will rob your ass!

9. Withdraw in fifteens or twenties. And we are broke, we hate your ass for having enough in your account to withdraw multiple times so while doing it, don't look back at us to offer an apology. It makes us hate you the more. Just face front and withdraw alkvyou want. Then leave. Don't even smile at us.

10. Finally, this is November 2018. You should be able to do transfers on your phone by now. If not, try to set it up at your bank. Next time we are on a queue and you are there with a paper open in front of you and a toothpick to cross check account number and carefully count the amount of zeros, a slap will just scatter your head without warning.

Okay. That's it. Use the machine wisely.